About Compatibility In A BDSM Relationship
Some time ago I posted a few thoughts about compatibility between dominant and submissive. Suzanne recently posted on the same topic. Enjoy her post here.
Some time ago I posted a few thoughts about compatibility between dominant and submissive. Suzanne recently posted on the same topic. Enjoy her post here.
A very nice gentleman has been talking to me about full time, long-term slavery recently and that has had me thinking about the subject.
All of the men who have entered my personal life over the years have come to me from the group of men who see me on a professional basis. Those few who have entered my personal life have joined me in a variety of ways from friends to submissives, some spending time with me on an infrequent basis, some spending a great deal of time in my home. I guess though that this group isn't limited to gentlemen, a few ladies have also moved from my professional to my personal life.
I don't want to draw a hard distinction with my paragraph above, and I hope that it is not misunderstood. I enjoy all of the people who come to visit my domination studio on a regular basis, and I consider all of them friends. Most of them however, due to their own personal situations, cannot spend time with me without a measure of pre-planning to ensure their freedom at a specific time, and that limits my possible interactions with them.
Beyond the people who are in my personal life I have thought a great deal about possessing a long term, full time slave but I don't actually search in an active way for such a person. That is I think because I don't think that the perfect person for me exists. My requirements are too strict and my desires of her qualities are too far outside of the mainstream of submissives.
You see, I'd desire a full time, long-term slave to be, for want of a better term, a housewife. She would be female and free of outside commitments. Her days would be spent keeping my house and studio, outdoors and in. Running the household errands and taking care to prepare wonderful meals. In addition to her household chores she would join me in my studio while I played, likely not an active participant, but as art, a body bound in the background serving as visual stimulation much like a painting on a wall. She would be beautiful, forever dressed provocatively, and would be required to spend a good deal of her time maintaining her figure for my pleasure and the pleasure of those who put eyes on her. She would also truly be my slut. She wouldn't necessarily be used for my own sexual satisfaction but my life contains men who are not necessarily submissive, vanilla men who nevertheless know about my lifestyle and spend a good deal of time at my home. My contractor comes to mind. My slave would be required to energetically pleasure men in my life such as this, offering her mouth or body as I command, as I watch, or not. Alas, I fear that such a woman does not exist.
Many delightful female submissives are out there, but one who is erotically fulfilled by housework? I fear not.
The fact that I do not actively search for a full time, long-term slave does not mean that I don't actively think about possessing such a slave. I do think about it. Who's to say that the perfect woman does not someday stumble across my path, or that a male with his life in order for such slavery does not interest me enough to make him so.
That thinking has resulted in this post. Specifically thinking about free time.
I don't think that such a slave should have free time. A slave is in an owner's life for only one reason, to provide pleasure through service. A slave enjoying free time is not providing service.
I think that a slave's time should be kept full. A slave living with me could expect to have his or her days filled with work for me. Not meaningless works like scrubbing a bathroom with a toothbrush, while such work might be delightful, it isn't really work, and would be a reward for a slave not a service to his or her owner. Meaningful work is what I would expect, work that improved my life and my household. Not necessarily physical work either, intellectual work is of tremendous value in our society, and I would use a slaves gifts, talents, and education to the fullest.
A slave does not need television, does not need to sit and relax. I don't think that such things are properly a part of a slave's life because they add no value to their owners. What does add value is work and self-improvement. In my view those two items should be made the predominant parts of any slaves life.
That is not to say that a slave would not have an opportunity for refreshment, certainly a slave should be given eight hours a day for refreshment and sleep. A slave would enjoy outings with his or her owner as the owner desired, would have opportunity for play such as that cleaning of the bathroom with a toothbrush, or even a nice whipping, and I imagine romantic time serving an owner in erotic ways. It is though to say that a slave would not sit and vegetate. Slaves should be working to serve and bring pleasure, never just sitting like a bump on a log, that is something fundamental that I think they should be denied.
I know that this view seems harsh, that it seems unreasonable to say that a slave should not be given time to just sit and contemplate, but it should be remembered that a life of service and slavery is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to be hard. A slave is supposed to suffer and be denied so that his or her owner can have greater pleasure than they would experience without ownership of the slave.
Ultimately as well, I think that a slave who is kept busy from waking in the morning to sleeping at night would be a happier slave than one who is left with free time. Slaves desire to be of service, and they desire suffering. While they might temporarily enjoy having the opportunity to just sit and relax, ultimately that opportunity is denying that which they most desire and that which brings them the greatest fulfillment.
I look forward to reading your comments.
In some ways it seems that ritual is an almost indispensable part of our lives. Religious services and government ceremonies are often highly ritualistic and seem to have been so since the dawn of recorded history. For ritual to have survived these thousands of years it must provide us with something we need to remain happy and well adjusted people.
Indeed I think that female domination can be, and often is highly ritualistic, and in a way I have to assume that it serves the same function for it's practitioners as other ritual does for people who follow a different path, or share different interests.
On the face of it, I must admit that I do not know why we should find such value in ritual; I can simply recognize that we do. I am though; extremely curious about how important the ritualistic nature of female domination is to the ultimate enjoyment of it, and of course, why that may be.
Scott Kelly made an interesting comment to my previous post, which has inspired me to another.
If I am a woman in a long-term, 24/7/365, female supremacist relationship I don't want a male slave who spends his entire life groveling and doing housework, with his toothbrush, while lightly bound, plugged, and wearing a little maid's outfit.
That is a wonderful fantasy, and can be extremely fun, in the dungeon as part of a femdom scene.
If I am that woman, in that relationship, I want a man who impresses me with his intelligence, dazzles me with his wit, makes me proud of his accomplishments, and makes me laugh with his sense of humor. I also want him to accept that his needs, desires, and opinions are largely irrelevant and should not be put forward without my explicit request. I want him to view my needs, desires, and opinions as important and strive to meet them. I want him to obey, no matter what I demand, or how difficult it may be for him to do so. Lastly, I want him to do these things cheerfully.
I want him to retain his intelligence, his wit, his accomplishments, and his sense of humor while remaining my slave and striving to build an ever more obedient personality. I want him to be thankful for the domination I provide, even on some level, when it is hardest for him.
I think that older, more mature gents understand this. More immature men don't yet seem too. At least that is the impression I get from the countless email messages I have received through the years from fellows seeking a female supremacist relationship.
Returning to Scott's comment, I don't believe that a relationship based upon the first hypothetical slavery mentioned above can survive long-term. I do believe that a relationship based upon the second hypothetical slavery above can survive long-term and be a very positive relationship for those involved.
A fellow blogger who has over the past couple of years become a good friend to me recently did me a tremendous honor. He took a post I had written based upon fundamental questions that I found within his own writings and greatly expounded upon each of the questions. The result is a remarkable body of work, an extremely valuable contribution to the theory of female domination.
I know that the men who read my blog fall into broad categories. Some want female domination to remain a fantasy for them, some want to experience it with a professional dominatrix like me. Still others though want to live it. They want to devote their lives to serving the Mistress of their dreams. In my view, each of these potential full time submissives, potential slaves should pay very close attention to the links that follow, for within them is I think the very key to finding, and keeping, the 24/7 domination one is seeking.
There is much fantasy written online, and fantasy is wonderful. It’s not however necessarily indicative of how to find and grow a relationship with a dominant woman, nor is it perhaps a good picture of a lifetime serving such a woman. Alexis is in a long-term D/s relationship, I’ve been getting to know his Mistress and hope to become good friends with her as well in time. The posts that follow aren’t fantasy; they are about reality, about finding and keeping that true domination that so many seek in vain.
Class is in session my little boys!
My post that started it all:
Hardcore Female Dominance, Questioning In Seattle
The series of posts by Alexis:
What Is It For?
“……what would you accept for the opportunity to be nearer to a living deity? If this particular supernatural being’s presence were so close that you might reach out and touch her, and feel in contact with creation and all the universe itself, would the prospect of suffering terribly be so much a price?”
Her Vision
“If you hitched your star to the will and power of someone you judged superior to yourself, could you honestly say that they wouldn’t have the opportunity to make decisions for you that weren’t better? If they were superior, and they were more intelligent than you, then wouldn’t it be outlandishly stupid to stubbornly cling to your own downfall, strictly on the argument that it was YOURS?”
No Fear
“Fear is the dividing line. It is the assumption of authority by force.”
The State
“The act of deciding that one will be a Dominatrix is to say, “I will be one of the privileged class.” From that point forward, the only reasonable attitude to take is that those who serve shall do so according to their stature within the class structure as defined by the Dominatrix’s principles.”
The Morality Of Distance
“The reality is, moralistically, our sex lives are nobody’s business but ours. It may be your brother or your father putting himself under the thumb of a Dominatrix, but that is his problem and none of your fucking business…it only becomes your business when its YOU under the Dominatrix’s thumb.”
The Exploiter Within
“Once you know you can own people at will, you’ll never go back. You won’t just “feel” stronger, you will know intrinsically that you are stronger, you will feel the primitive thrumming of your blood, hot with passion, as it flows through your whip hand and into his flesh. Exploitation, predation…this is the natural focus of the Dominatrix.”
Holding The Reins
“…..if we are going to be limited by what our parents thought about sexual exploitation and self-satisfaction, we probably need to move, as I've said before, to the suburbs.”
Gameplaying
“In other words, if she does not care what he wants, and she is ready to carry her disregard for him by destroying his freedom, it is not a game. But if she respects his right to be free, then it is a game.”
Sculpt
“The trick of Domination is not to grind him down to paste, to create the sort of muck that needs to be sprayed off the pavement and into the gutter. The trick is to mold and sculpt. Every tool has its purpose and its application. A little bit of the chisel here; a stroke of the polishing cloth there. Knock away what isn’t wanted. Brighten and shine everything that’s desirable. Then to have it on display, to serve and to amuse the Dominatrix’s pleasure.”
The Victorian Program
“She sets the terms of his freedom; she takes her vindictive pleasures in their smallnesses or their largenesses; and she loves or preys upon him in the manner that is satisfying to her.”
Intolerance
“…..what does she have to gain by not picking up a crop and making it clear right fucking now that his hands should be full of can handles and his feet moving toot sweet to the curb?”
Faith
“How different is it, I ask, from the pedantic southern proverb that a boy should listen to his mother? Mother or Dominatrix, maybe it should be said a boy should listen to a woman.”
A Relationship
“…..a woman, seeing her co-equal partner in a Snow White costume eating corn mixed with dry cornmeal out of a dog dish will have flashes of insight into her actual superiority…..”
I Can’t Say
“My particular fascinations, and those of my Mistress, tend towards the steady and slow destruction of the mind and the reordering of the submissive’s thoughts and interests.”
The Principals Of Possession
“Most perspectives of an open marriage assume that it would be necessary to define boundaries and make rules and put up with pouting where it comes to a multi-person relationship. I don’t believe that’s true, when everyone is an adult and everyone accepts that one person in the relationship—the Dominatrix—has the only say in who sees who and who goes where. Let me emphasize. Not the “final” say—the ONLY say.”
Positional Defense
“A Dominatrix, however, chooses by her admission to BE a despot. That is her desire. To influence another person, and to do so with her truth. A submissive knows that this truth will be delivered into him, by her actions and her approval. He adapts himself as she presents a society for him to live in, complete with truths backed by her will to power.”
Conservation Of Energy
“And will a submissive not behave more devoutly to a Dominatrix who will kiss him before she fucks him, or give him an opportunity to shift on his knees as she plunges deeper, or allows him a moment to breathe, gag out, before she takes her next step with the branding iron?”
The Next Mindset
“She understood. She thoughtfully reassured me that she didn’t think that it was reasonable for a submissive to be “on” in every instance. Then she proceeded to hood and gag me, roll me over and rape me and just generally continue a session for several hours, all the time knowing I wasn’t enjoying myself very much.”
The Cold Reality
“it is understood by many Dominants that a direct and rational application of negative reinforcement is a necessary process in the training of human beings towards accepting and appreciating their natural submissive tendencies.”
Sex is important. I think it much more important than most people understand. Sex is a joyous celebration of life and living. Everyone needs it; everyone should have the opportunity to have truly spectacular sex.
Submissive men are no different. Men, submissive or not, need sex.
We need to remember this when we contemplate or pursue female dominated, female supremacist relationships.
Submissive men don’t need intercourse, they don’t need to masturbate, they don’t need to touch the Mistress in a sexual way at all. Many are perfect for cuckolding and extreme forms of denial.
They do however all need sex. Perhaps for such men sex becomes focused in their asses as they are penetrated and used. Perhaps for such men sex becomes their tongue as they pleasure the Mistress. Perhaps for such men sex becomes their participation in the Mistress’s cuckolding scenarios. Whatever it may be, and the possibilities are almost endless; men need sex, even those in female supremacist relationships.
Through the years I’ve sought out theories of female supremacy. I enjoy reading the authors of such theories thought processes, and I must admit that reading about female supremacy makes for some very hot reading indeed. Thinking about such utopian visions is an amazing turn-on for me. The very idea of a world in which women are all Mistresses, men all slaves is the stuff of very pleasant, very damp dreams.
Unfortunately despite how very exciting these theories are every one I have read is flawed. Cannot be correct. That does occasionally serve to place a damper on the fun one has reading them.
The basic flaw I have found in each of them is the claim of total gender supremacy. Of course this is the very thing that makes them so exciting, but it is also their downfall. While some of us kinky folk might absolutely love touching ourselves while reading about a female supremacist society in the stark light of day we know in our hearts that the world is full of women who could never deserve to be thought of as supreme. Women who beat their children, women who rot in prison because they are too dangerous to walk the streets, and women who steal from the productive members of our nation when they cash their welfare check every month. Surely such women can never be considered somehow supreme to the legion of great men out there, men who love and protect their families and improve our world in the process.
That is the fundamental flaw I have always found, but it is not the only one. Another flaw seems to occasionally just leap off the page at me, and yet a third seems unavoidable if one spends as much time reading everything kinky on the internet as I do.
The first of these is that occasionally one is reading a woman’s theory of female supremacy and it starts out perfectly. She is the head of her household, her husband the sissy in skirts. So far, so hot! She believes that men must submit to women, that all men exist to serve. So far, hotter yet! She doesn’t approve of the male orgasm, keeps her sissy husband in denial for long stretches of time. Even hotter! She can’t stomach the thought of actually fucking the sissy husband, so she cuckolds him every chance she gets. I’m starting to wonder if it can possibly get even hotter! She cuckolds him with ‘Alpha Males’ who treat her like a whore. Total and complete let down! No more arousal here.
How on earth can she be a female supremacist, a believer that women are inherently supreme over men, and yet run around as an ‘Alpha Males’ slut? Not only a fundamental flaw, this flaw totally ruins a carefully nurtured lust.
The second of these are the conflicting theories of male supremacy which are floating around out there. Such theories do nothing for me, they certainly couldn’t turn me on, so I don’t search for them but I do stumble upon them from time to time while wandering around the internet. There are plenty of women out there with their own theories of male supremacy, who want nothing more than to be in submission to a man who believes in such things. Another flaw to the theory that all women are supreme.
I’m making this post because last week I was sent another theory of supremacy. It seems that a friend of mine has come up with a theory and I was pleased with it because when I read it I noticed that it did not contain any of the fatal flaws mentioned above. It acknowledges that gender is not a valid division within such theories, and while it does not specifically state that a relationship based upon a larger hierarchy would fit within its parameters it is clear that it would.
It does seem to make provision for the truly bad woman, for the woman who wants to have a slave husband plus a master lover, and for women who want to serve supreme men.
The theory also includes a strong mixture of spirituality.
I do not post about spirituality much here on the blog but I firmly believe that bdsm is spiritual and that what I do in my dungeon is spiritual. I have experienced extremely spiritual moments with my submissives and I relish reading everything that is available about bdsm spirituality. As a result, I found its inclusion within the theory quite interesting.
I’ve received my correspondent’s permission to post the theory here on the blog and I will attempt to do so because I am very interested in seeing how other people react to it. It is however a very long document so I don’t want to post it here on the front page because I imagine that at least some of my readers will have no interest in it, and will just want to read my posts which would otherwise be buried.
If all goes well with this post, the theory will be found by clicking a ‘continue reading’ link directly below.
If you would like to share your comments about this theory with me please either leave them here on the blog, or email them to me at: blog AT milliscent.com, replacing the AT with @ of course.
If a ‘continue reading’ link doesn’t appear it means that I was unable to post the theory here due to it’s extreme size, but I would be happy to try and email it to anyone who is interested, just let me know.
