One of my correspondents and commenters, Alexis, has a way of challenging me intellectually. This is I know a good thing because a successful life requires thought and an exercised mind is the best defense against loosing touch.
Too many people I think are without intellectual challenge and as a result serious problems crop up in their lives. I fear that some dominant women are especially prone to this lack of challenge. Certainly it cannot be healthy to be completely surrounded by ‘yes men.’
I’ve been reading Alexis a good deal recently, and that reading has brought up some questions that I’ve been pondering. Both the questions and answers below are my own, but Alexis inspired the questions with his own fundamental points, I’ve simply written them as best I’m able from my understanding of his writings.
The questions aren’t about bdsm played for fun, short fem dom encounters, or the physical aspects of SM and fetish. Rather they are about female dominance within a relationship. Female dominance and male submission on a very real and daily basis, at the extreme end of the spectrum. Very, very few people play this way and in such a hard-core manner, but certainly some do. Such relationships are of tremendous interest to me; hence I seldom miss an opportunity to talk with people who live within them, or to think about what is communicated by such folks.
Enough background, the questions I’ve been pondering as of late, and my own thoughts on each. Your own personal answers may differ from mine; I think that is OK, I think that the questions are personal to each of us. I also think that pondering them teaches us something important about ourselves:
Life is filled with danger. Driving a car is certainly dangerous, flying in an airplane much less so, but nevertheless still an activity that carries risk. Sports and hobbies vary in levels of danger from the very little of fly-fishing to the extreme of motorcycle riding. Compared to most sports and hobbies I believe bdsm to be quite safe, especially when the participants are knowledgeable about it. It is not however without risk. A very small number of folks die each year doing some kind of bdsm activity. Let’s look at the extreme though. Let’s say that we knew that we would die in a bdsm encounter. Wouldn’t we pursue bdsm anyway? Wouldn’t a heart attack while masturbating and worshiping the ass of a beautiful dominatrix be a great way to go? We all must die someday, isn’t somehow dying due to the extreme excitement of a D/s encounter a perfect check out? Don’t we want to end our lives at the height of fun instead of all alone in a nursing home bed somewhere?
For me this is an easy question. I would much rather leave this world knowing that I had lived my life to the fullest extent possible than leave it a little bit later, but with regrets. I seek to have few regrets when my time comes, and I seek to have as much fun as I can until then.
Conceivably both dominant and submissive could somehow after years upon years of D/s loose themselves to it. The bills are paid, retirement assures that work is done, friends and outside interests slowly fade. What is left in that evening of life could very well be D/s, it could be life itself. The submissive could know nothing; hold nothing but suffering, humiliation, and service. The dominant could know nothing; hold nothing but control, command, and authority. Would this be a bad thing? The couple would live in a sort of distorted reality, would live a limited life, but would that be a bad life? He spent a lifetime looking for true suffering, true humiliation, and true service, would this not be his reward? Likewise she spent her lifetime looking for true control, true command, true authority, would this evening of life not be her reward? If this reality that extended little beyond femdom was fulfilling to both of them, exciting to both of them, could it be considered a bad thing?
Again, for me, this is an easy question. Right now the vast majority of my life is bdsm. In the past I’ve made serious and severe changes to my life just so I could pursue female domination to a greater extent. I would not fear an evening of life that was spent living my dreams and my fantasies even given the fact that these dreams and fantasies are outside of the mainstream and incomprehensible to most.
Bdsm people talk a lot about trust. It is I think true that it is not very likely that a bdsm encounter can rise to greatness if there is no trust between the participants. Possible, but not very likely. What bdsm people don’t talk a lot about though is fear. Fear is certainly an interesting emotion, it can be an enjoyable or a terrible emotion depending upon circumstances, and it can run the range from mild to extreme with ease. What about fear in the hard-core female dominated relationship? Should she desire to instill true fear of herself into her submissive male? Should fear of her be one of his constant companions through life? Will his service to her be better if he fears her? Will his submission to her be more fulfilling to them both if he fears her? Should she deliberately do things to ensure that he remain always fearful of her?
I think that we pervy folks don’t talk about fear very often for a couple of reasons. I think that people who are extremely open about their sexualities don’t talk about fear because they are desirous of greater acceptance in society and are concerned that talk about such a deep emotion which most people find to be negative will hamper that. I think that people who are less open don’t talk about fear because they don’t want to be seen as wimps or weaklings. Nevertheless I think that fear is an important and indeed positive part of female domination. I think that fear makes the submissive feel good and knowing of the submissives fear makes the dominatrix feel powerful. Additionally, in a true dominant/submissive relationship I think that fear of reprisal helps to reinforce obedience, and obedience is at the core of any successful D/s relationship. The wise woman will I think make her submissive fearful of her for doing so is beneficial for both partners.
Limits are a very important part of bdsm encounters and need to be negotiated with care to ensure that any scene is fun and fulfilling for both partners. Do however a submissives limits have any place in an explicitly female dominated relationship at the extreme end of the spectrum? Left over from his childhood the male may have a serious emotional aversion to wearing panties, for whatever reason doing so may be virtually impossible for him to do on a mental level. She however likes her men in panties. Does she keep him in panties despite his mental difficulty? Should she feel guilty about doing so, badly about doing so, or sorry for him? He may be 100% heterosexual but she wants to see him servicing cocks with his mouth and ass. Does she allow his limit against homosexuality stand, or does she force him to service whomever she desires? Should she feel guilty about doing so, or sorry for what he must go through? Should she even care what his limits might be or are only her interests of importance?
In the kind of relationship we are questioning I believe that there is only one manner of legitimate consent, only one decision for the male to make. He may consent to stay in the relationship, to remain a slave, or he may leave. His consent to remain in the relationship, to become or remain a slave is the only consent the female should need or desire. If he desires to become her slave she should use him as she sees fit without concern for his limits. If she wants him in panties he should be kept in panties, if she wants him servicing cock he should be servicing cock. He has consented to do so by maintaining his place in the relationship and certainly she should never feel guilty or badly about having him meet her desires for that is the only reason he exists within her life.
If their shared desires for pain, humiliation, or control are beyond his physical or mental ability to tolerate is it moral for her to force these levels without his consent using severe bondage or other tequniques to hold him in place knowing that in time and with practice he will learn to accept the levels they desire? Does the female in such a relationship morally need the consent of the male submissive, or is the fact that he is in the relationship imply consent to whatever she desires even if she must take it by force?
To my mind this question is very much like the last one, and my answer to it is the same. We live in a free society; he is free to leave the relationship at any time, for any reason. Therefore his decision to remain in the relationship is his consent. It is perfectly moral for her to force him to accept that which he believes he cannot accept. No further consent is necessary. Indeed to say that further consent would be necessary would be to imply that explicit consent would be needed to be gotten for each and every action within the relationship. Surely such a system would not work. As stated in the question, with time his body and mind will adapt to her desires and when they do he will be thankful of the fact that she did not cater to his unnecessary limitations.
If she begins to feel superior to her male submissive, more important than him, more deserving than him should she feel guilt about these thoughts or should she embrace them? If by consistently making him appear weak she begins to feel stronger should she feel guilty about this primitive response, or should she pursue greater weakness on his part so that her feelings of strength continue growing? Might she consider herself an exploiter, a predator and if so should she embrace those thoughts?
Mental obstacles within women, obstacles left over from our upbringing are I think the largest barrier to women’s acceptance of bdsm, fetish, and all other forms of dominance. Women are taught to be weak, to be subservient to men. They are taught that sharing is nice, that they must never think of themselves first. That to be different from this norm is evil. Women need to overcome this negative conditioning. She should celebrate when she feels powerful, embrace feelings of superiority, and delight in looking upon him as the weaker sex. Woman is desired, man desires. The wise woman understands this and uses it to gain power over those men who seek to submit to her.
If the male submissive finds his happiness and fulfillment in watching the dominant female take her own happiness at his expense, if he is most fulfilled when she is most selfish, should she feel guilty about being selfish? Shouldn’t she pursue absolute selfishness within herself? Should not he be required to replace his entire will with her will, and should she not drive to that goal with all possible deliberate speed? Should she not work within herself to overcome all childhood conditioning that taught selfishness to be bad?
Again this question is quite similar to the last one, and my answer to it is the same. Dominant women should recognize that only through their own selfishness can their male find true fulfillment, she should embrace her own wants, needs, and desires, demanding that they always come first for herself and her male. To do otherwise when the opportunity presents is to simply surrender to the conditioning that maintains patriarchy around the world.
Is femdom always a game unless and until she can force him to suffer or serve past his willingness to do so? If female domination is to be something more than simply an act, a drama, must she not be willing within herself to see him and treat him as nothing more than a slave, as property, without thought towards his desires at all?
For most people I think that bdsm is a game. A truly delightful and exciting game. For those so wired femdom can provide mind-blowing experiences like no other. Some people however desire to take femdom further; they desire to live a female dominated lifestyle within a female dominated household. I agree that femdom remains a game unless and until she forces him beyond his willingness, and that it becomes something much more serious after that point. I disagree that she should never give thought to her male’s desires, certainly desires can be easily turned into fetishes, and fetishes are one of her best keys to control.
The male submissive in such a relationship wants to love the female who dominates him and likely will do so with amazing devotion. Does he though want her to love him? Despite his love for her does he seek her love or her contempt? Would he be happiest and most fulfilled if she treated him with love or with disdain? Would she be happiest and must fulfilled if she felt love for him or contempt for him? Would female domination be better for her, would the relationship be better for her if she felt love for him or disdain for him?
This question is a difficult one for me to answer. I wholeheartedly agree that the dominated male will likely love the woman who dominates him and I firmly believe that the more severe she is in her dominance the more he will love her. The ‘nice’ dominatrix will be loved by her submissive husband, the ‘demanding, evil, bitch’ dominatrix will be loved much more. It’s just how guys are wired I guess. “Does he want her to love him?” Alas, I must confess that I do not know. “Does he seek her love of her contempt?” Again I must say that I do not know. I do however believe that he would be happiest if she treated him with a mix of love and disdain, a mix heavy on the disdain side. He wants to feel cared for, but he also wants to feel abused, generally with a good deal more abused feelings than cared for feelings in the mix I think. Lastly, I am not happy to say it, but I do think it true that a female dominated relationship will work better for both partners and as a whole if she does not love her male submissive. I think it sad but true. I believe that too much love in her heart for him will lead her to becoming overly soft with him which is neither fun nor fulfilling for either of them.
Is it more important to her long-term happiness that she feels love for her submissive, or that she have the ability to exercise power? To make her own decisions for both of them and have them carried out by someone who will not argue with our question her? What is more important to her that she love or that she be loved?
This I think must be a question in which everyone’s answer will be different. True female domination does I think require the exercise of power and the demand for unquestioning obedience. These things may be difficult to achieve if she feels love too deeply. Does she want to love, and if she does what benefits does loving give her? Does she want to be loved, and if she does what benefits does being loved give her? How important is it that she has a truly female dominated relationship? The answer to these questions will perhaps suggest an answer to the question above.
Would she be happiest tolerating his sloppiness or forcing it to change? Would she be happiest nagging him to do something or demanding his obedience and ordering it to be done? Should her tone be one of tolerance, one of nagging, or one of critical reproach? Would she be happiest tolerating those things about him that she dislikes, or looking at him with a critical eye and forcing change? Likewise, which kind of treatment would be most joyful and fulfilling to him?
I think that women always want to change their men. That is why so many women nag and complain to their men. Of course nagging never works, never has, never will. I find it odd that so many women pursue the course of the nag when in so many instances their males would happily obey, happily change, if ordered to do so. If she would change her approach, if she would become a dominant woman, she could meet her desires for his change. Certainly too most men would be much happier taking orders than listening to the woman in their life nag. Men understand authority and chain of command. That is why the military, sports, and corporate structures are so popular with them. Simply get him to agree to a chain of command within your relationship, place yourself on top, him on bottom, and begin your orders. He will understand and he will thrive under such authority.
Is it important that her male submissive understand her thoughts and feelings or is it only important that he know the meaning of disobedience and the consequences for it? Does the motivation of either of them matter or is command, obedience, will, punishment, and discipline enough?
I think that perhaps a servant can better serve if he understands the ‘why’ behind what he is asked to do. That said, the desire to live within a female dominated relationship is extremely complex and deep within the psyche. I doubt if most of us will ever truly understand our own motivations precisely, and that makes it almost impossible to understand the motivations of another. Obedience is I think the key, if he is obedient he need not understand what drives her; likewise if she is authoritative she need not understand what drives him.
Should she feel guilty if she stops thinking of him as a person, as a mate? Should she feel guilty if she stops thinking in terms of ‘relationship,’ ‘us,’ ‘couple’ and instead starts thinking only of herself as an individual and he as her possession her servant? Should she try to repress such thoughts, or should she embrace them?
Certainly not. She should never feel guilty for enjoying her life, and giving him the dominance he desires above everything else. If she is doing it right he will become her possession, her slave, that is what he has sought his entire life, that is what will most fulfill him. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
Should she feel guilty or sad if she looses interest in sex with him, if he becomes sexually unattractive to her? Should she feel guilty or sad if the thought of sex with him becomes revolting, nauseating? Should she try to repress such thoughts and changes or embrace them? Should she spare his feelings by telling him that she has stopped having sex with him for ‘his own good’ or to ‘enhance his submission’ or should she not worry about his feelings and communicate honestly with him assuring him that the very thought of him touching her sexually disgusts her? Which approach would make her happiest in the long term? Which approach would make him happiest in the long term?
I think it quite likely that she will loose interest in having sex with him, and not only because of their female dominated relationship. I think that sexual passion slowly dies as time passes and that even vanilla relationships become much less sexual over time. I think that a female dominated relationship will likely increase the speed at which this happens. Does she want to kiss the mouth that just explored her asshole? Does she want to fuck the man who cums while kneeling and licks up his own mess? Does she want to allow him the joy of being inside her cunt or mouth? Certainly there is nothing to feel guilty about here. Should she loose interest in sex with him she should simply tell him so. “I don’t see you as much of a man any more, and you certainly can’t turn me on, so you are not to touch my cunt in a sexual way ever again. Do you understand?” Is an easy and clear way of making her position and her desires known. “Your just a slave, a pathetic little ass kisser with a insignificant cock, the thought of having your cock inside me makes me sick, rest assured that you will never be inside me again.” might be more appropriate depending upon her true feelings. I think however that there is a great deal of good news in all of this. Female domination is not sex, but it is amazingly erotic when done properly. Long after all sexual spark has faded out of vanilla relationships the erotic fire will be burning strong in the female dominated relationship. This is because of the tremendous variety of activities encompassed by bdsm, no lifetime is long enough to fully explore them all, and this huge variety will keep passions running high assuming that all else is well with the relationship.
Should she hesitate or feel guilty about fulfilling her sexual needs with another submissive male? Should she hesitate or feel guilty about demanding her submissives help with her ‘affairs?’ Should she force him to witness, wallow in, and assist in her active sexual betrayal of him? Should she concern herself about any humiliation her submissive may feel over her sexual explorations, and should she try to hide them from others to spare him humiliation?
Certainly not. Her male submissive is not her equal, he is hers to use. As such he has no right to claim her fidelity. She should fulfill her sexual needs with other submissive males, or females for that matter as she sees fit. If she desires her males help with her trysts she should demand it, likewise his participation. She should also not concern herself with any humiliation he may feel over her sexual explorations with others, the humiliation is his to deal with and he will learn in time to do so. I will say however that in my view a truly dominant female does not have sex with ‘dominant’ or ‘alpha’ males. To do so implies that she is not dominant at all, rather just playing a kinky game. There is nothing wrong with such games, they can be delightful indeed. Honesty is however important and if a woman tells herself that she is a dominant female she will not be sexually submitting to an ‘alpha male.’
Should she feel guilty if her communication with him becomes one sided, critical and demanding in tone, brutally honest, and humiliating for him? Would she be happiest saying “Honey, please wash the dishes” or “Get up and wash the dishes, now?” Which would be best for him? Would she be happiest demanding his silence and talking to him as he listens or listening while he talks to her? Would she be happiest saying “I wish you would learn to put the seat down” or saying “I expect the toilet seat to always be down, it was up again this morning so I’ve decided that you will never piss standing up again, you will always sit to pee, do you understand?” Which would make him happiest? Which would make her happiest saying “I’m just not in the mood for sex tonight, maybe another day will work better” or saying “Your so pathetic with that worthless cock, the thought of you putting that inside me ever again makes me sick, go to sleep tonight knowing that I will never fuck you again?” Which would he rather hear? Would she be happiest hiding her lover from her friends or simply telling them “I don’t allow Bob sex anymore so I’ve started dating Jim and we both like him very much don’t we Bob?” Which would be better for him to hear?
Again, she should never in my view feel guilty for exercising her dominance and giving her submissive the domination he craves so deeply. She should always give clear, concise, and detailed orders then demand they be carried out. Anything less leads to misunderstandings, and misunderstandings lead to conflict that is disheartening to both. Clear and honest communication, clear and honest orders make the relationship work and should be consciously pursued. Honest and clear communications make for a happy Mistress, a happy slave, and a successful female dominated relationship. Honest and clear communications have the side benefit of being occasionally humiliating for the male, and males do seem to thrive on healthy sized doses of humiliation, especially when they are frequently given. Why would she hide an outside relationship from her friends when it is so much better for all concerned if she simply told them? The humiliation he will feel in witnessing his ‘outing’ as a cuckold will serve both him and her well. Why shouldn’t she give him orders while on a shopping trip exactly as she does at home? It is good for him, and it sets a good example of a strong woman with her male well in hand for other women.
A life of control, pain, and humiliation can be happy and fulfilling for the male slave, let’s be frank though, it can also often suck. Should she try to make these ‘bad’ times easier for him? Should she worry about him during these ‘bad’ times? Should she feel guilty about these ‘bad’ times? Instead should she not concern herself about his ‘bad’ times in the least? Should she simply require him to obey and muddle through them as best he can? Should she disallow any communication or complaint from him about his ‘bad’ times? Should she simply accept the fact that his life under her control is going to suck and bring herself to a point at which she does not care? Is this acceptance of his lot in life and lack of care about it not the essence of true female domination, a true Mistress/slave relationship? If he is a slave and she a Mistress, does it matter if his life is hard? Isn’t a slave’s life supposed to be hard?
This question brings us back to the societal conditioning women received as children. I imagine that it does suck to be ordered around all the time by some selfish bitch, to be regularly beaten by her, to be denied access to her body, to watch as she fucks another man, to have your asshole ripped open by her dildo. I imagine it sucks in some ways. In other ways I know though that it is deeply joyous and fulfilling for him. If it were not he would not spend a lifetime seeking it! He wants it, he needs it, and he will do anything to get it. Again, there is nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. If some things about his slavery suck, rest assured that many more are wonderful to him. If they were not he would not remain. Don’t worry about it. Demand that your wants, needs, and desires come first. Demand obedience. Laugh as he suffers; laugh harder as his suffering increases. Use his service. That is what you are in a female dominated relationship for, that is what he is in the relationship for. Anything less is not true female domination in my view.
In such a relationship, what is a slave? What is he? Why is he in bondage, beaten, forced to obey, brutally fucked in the ass? What is a Mistress? What is she? Why is she free, punishing, commanding, and selfish? What are the fundamental truths about both of them, about their relationship?
Alas, I must admit that I am still thinking about this question. It is fundamental to all that we do within bdsm, and I find it fascinating to contemplate.
Is it harmful for the male, female, and their relationship if he thinks that she will be sympathetic to his plight and suffering? Is if harmful if she is sympathetic? Is it beneficial for all three if he is made to understand through suffering that she will not ever be sympathetic?
Yes, I think that sympathy is harmful to such a relationship. She must be strong in the face of his suffering, demanding in the face of his service. He has waited a lifetime for her domination, why would she feel sympathy for him now that he is living his dream?
