You mention: "I'm sure there are many men who would be much more comfortable in this type of relationship but are unable to express themselves because of societal norms." I agree with you. I also believe that there are a great many women out there who would be much happier and fulfilled if they were to embrace dominance. Unfortunately, societal norms work against us all in this regard. In your view, as a dominant woman, how should a man seeking a relationship in which he would be the submissive partner present that to the woman he is interested in? Is there, in your view, a best way for a submissive man to approach a dominant woman? Likewise, in your view, is there a best way for a submissive man to communicate his need for submission to a vanilla woman, or a woman who has not yet discovered her desire for dominance?

I most certainly agree that societal norms work against all of us in this regard. It's sad that most of us grow up trying so hard to be who other people think we should be as opposed to finding our true selves. I often gravitate towards sports analogies to make a point. My dad was a coach and his entire working life was in one way or another related to athletics. I also played sports as a child, in high school and in college. Successful coaches have a knack for putting people in the right places or situations so they can be successful. The same can be said of good managers. Players who are miscast or put in the wrong positions, situations, etc. won't enjoy the same level of success, and will most likely fail. Getting back to relationships, how many of us are miscast in our roles?

The genetically submissively-wired male who is cast as a head of household will struggle with the role and likely remain unhappy. The same is true of Dominant Women who try to fit into that "submissive wife" type role. While many try to make it work and plod their way through the relationship, many fail and others fail to achieve real happiness.

For a submissive man, I suspect the challenge of finding the right partner and communicating his true feelings to her is often daunting to say the least. In addition to the societal norms I mentioned earlier, there are many other issues that must go through their mind. I'm certainly not an expert in this area, not that anyone really is, as my own experience has been rather limited. I can only share my own feelings and thoughts on how I think submissive males would be most successful. I also think there would be a stark difference between a situation in which the male was merely looking for a play partner and one where he was seeking a committed relationship. For the sake of this discussion, I'll focus on the latter.

Above all else, a committed relationship has to be based upon more than a couple's sexual fantasies, fetishes, etc. Simply put, they have to "like" one another. Life's realities surround us every day; Work, family, illness, death, financial decisions, children, the list goes on and on. These are all major issues and incredibly important parts of our lives. If you are going to be happy, you and your partner have to be able to get through these things together.

I'm not minimizing the importance of sexual compatibility but rather, pointing out that your potential life partner has to be attractive to you in other ways. The quality of communication you have with a potential partner along with honesty are perhaps the two most important factors in my opinion. Keep in mind however, that communication involves more than just talking openly with one another. "Listening" is communication's most important aspect.

A man who has interest in a woman should first and foremost be a good listener. Listen for certain "cues" in what she says that could open the door to the conversation you have been looking to have for so long. If you've already been intimate with her, then you may already have an inclination as to what she enjoys. Is there anything you've done or she's said that would lead you to believe she might be interested in the lifestyle relationship you seek. If so, then you need to bring it up at the right time and be honest with her. Ask her what she would find important in a relationship. That often could lead to other questions.

She may ask you the same question. Be honest in your answer. Tell her it would be important to you to find an assertive woman, one who is comfortable being in charge. Let the conversation flow. Listen, listen, and listen some more! Don't push it. If you feel she is not amenable to what you suggested, you have a decision to make. My dad use to tell me not to expect someone to change for the better once you married them.
During your dating phase, you are likely seeing people on the best behavior. How right he was! I have my first (and very brief) marriage to prove it.

To a great extent, the male also has to get over the fear of rejection, ridicule, etc. I may be making it sound easier than it is, but if it happens, it is not nearly as disastrous as you think it is. If you get to know someone well enough and develop a certain level of trust, the discussion might be easier than you believe.

A submissive man, or any man for that matter, should always approach a woman with respect. If a submissive man already knows that a woman is Dominant, they should never be so forward as to assume that the Domme has interest in them simply because they are submissive. Different situations (i.e. play party, scene, vanilla gathering) would seem to call for different approaches. I would be incredibly annoyed if a submissive man approached me, dropped to his knees, began calling me Mistress, etc. as part of his introduction. That might suit some Dominas but in my case, it would make me uncomfortable and turn me off immediately. I would much prefer a simple and respectful approach. Just introduce yourself with a "hello, my name is.... and..."

Think about what you are going to say, and make it appropriate and in context to the current situation. While this can be difficult if you've never met before, the fact that you are in the same place or social setting will likely provide some conversational topics. Seeing a Dominant woman in a cafe or other public setting and wanting to reach out to her can be easier than you think. Usually, a simple compliment works.

I recall one situation where sissy and I were out shopping for some lingerie for her. After the purchase, a gentleman approached me, excused himself and complimented me on how "expertly and professionally" I handled my purchase. I wasn't aware of it, but he had seen the whole thing. He was polite, brief and very complimentary. We exchanged smiles, I said thanks, and we continued on our way.

I recently had a discussion with a close lady friend who is fully aware of our lifestyle about people who are "vanilla." Her contention is that there are probably few, if any, truly vanilla people in the world. Those who are vanilla, according to her, simply haven't been made aware about the various lifestyle "options." Her belief is that, on a linear scale of 0-10, with totally vanilla people falling exactly in the middle or "5"(for the sake of this discussion vanilla people will be defined as those who are neither submissive or dominant), there would no "5's." She believes that everyone has some leaning one way or the other. She's probably correct. If so, to answer the last part of your question, the first step would be to identify your possible partner's leanings and then broach the subject in ways I described above. Start off slowly, yet don't be too careful so as to avoid the essence of what you want to talk about altogether.

Personally, I think the best of relationships are the result of an evolutionary process, one where deeper submission or for a Domme, dominance, are achieved through incremental steps. That journey is a learning process for both partners. It's what sissy and I have experienced.

With the right partner, the journey can branch off into many different directions. All that being said, my recommendation for a "best way" would be to adopt an incremental approach and be astute and sensitive to your partner's reactions. A whole other area of a discussion on this topic involves the use of the ever-growing number of online dating sites, from vanilla to kinky and everything else in between. With a carefully worded and prepared online introduction/ad, a submissive man can spark the interest of a Dominant woman even on a totally vanilla dating site. Take the time to write a good introduction.

Again, whether on line or in person, be respectful when approaching any Domme. If you aren't, any interest they show in you is not very likely to be sincere.

Posted by Milliscent at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You mention that Sissy's domestic duties began with her in the nude, and over time grew to include aprons, heels, panties, and eventually full maid's outfits. Did she practice gender-play before your relationship began, or is her feminization something that you alone were interested in? Now that she spends much of her time feminized, how does that enhance your relationship? Have you noticed a difference in how either you or your lover treat her based upon her projected gender at the time? As you allow other, more vanilla people, a glance into your life, would you prefer it if they viewed Sissy as your 'male husband', or your 'female wife'?

Sissy did enjoy crossdressing and gender play before we met. Since I was also interested in this type of play, her previous interest in it made things so much easier and was clearly a positive as our relationship moved forward.

As the housework progressed from the nude to the frilly apron etc...It became quite evident that I had hit on something. Soon, she confided in me about her past experiences, which began when she was quite young with a female cousin of hers who was a few years older.

In our case, I believe the gender play/feminization enhances our relationship in many ways. While she is not totally feminized at all times, the fact that she is always in panties (at a minimum) is a constant reminder to both of us of our special relationship. At the risk of offending feminists and sounding stereotypical, in our relationship, the feminization enhances and deepens her submission. It helps keeps her mindset, and my own to some extent, in the roles we each play in our marriage. I enjoy seeing her as the dutiful 1950's type housewife, deferring to her spouse in virtually every aspect of her life. While some of that is "play," much of it is how we live our lives. Once again, I am not a Female Supremacist advocating the submission of all men in this way. This is something that fits us, and fits us well.

I'm sure there are many men who would be much more comfortable in this type of relationship but are unable to express themselves because of societal norms. I've also found that her feminization creates a climate more conducive to submissive behavior, particularly when it comes to her domestic duties. From my observations, the more feminized she is, the better the quality and efficiency of her domestic duties. One of my rules is that she must always wear an apron when doing housework. From a sexual perspective, her femininity helps add to my aggressive and dominant behavior. I think it also helps her focus on her sexual role - providing me with pleasure.

How she is treated based upon her projected gender at the time is much more noticeable with Jay than it is with me. Of course, I am always careful when in public situations. I never want to make an unwitting spectator very uncomfortable. I always try to get a good read on the situation, surroundings, individuals, etc. before I say or do anything that points out sissy's submission and/or feminization. While my own treatment of her is pretty consistent, her feminization does "stir" my Domme feelings rather quickly and with more rapidity than when I see her in totally male garb. When she is dressed I am also more likely to make comments about her outward appearance, her choice of clothing, etc. Jay on the other hand is markedly different when sissy is feminized. Of course, it helps that she is quite attractive when dressed. I think it helps Jay view her as a submissive female as opposed to a male. I tease him about being homophobic, knowing that he would never act the way he does with her if she was simply my sub without any feminization.

I am sure you can understand how careful we are about whom we allow a glimpse into our personal lives. To date, that circle is very, very small. Other than Jay and my sister Sherry, I only have a few very close friends who are aware of our lifestyle. They are friends I can trust implicitly and have seen sissy "en femme." My aunt Louise in Florida is aware of our Wife Led Marriage lifestyle, but not to the extent of the others I spoke about. She visits us over Thanksgiving and depending on how things go, sissy may or may not be feminized in her presence.

To me, sissy will always be male. I have no intentions to have her take hormones, have surgery, etc. like you might read in some pieces of fantasy fiction. People will view her in any way they choose. However, I would probably prefer that they view her as my feminized male wife. In the right circle of friends, and in time I'm confident that will expand, I would introduce her as my wife. In vanilla circles I introduce her as my husband. Over time, I've found that I have become more open about being "in charge" so to speak. I don't go out of my way to point it out, but don't hold back on saying or doing certain things that could lead some people to believe she defers to me, or to use a more popular expression "I wear the pants."

Posted by Milliscent at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Life With Mistress C, check it out.

Posted by Milliscent at 11:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As everyone must know, there was over the weekend, and this week, a major flooding event in Western Washington.

Those who've visited my bdsm studio know that it is located mere feet from a major river channel.

Given those two facts, I thought it might be best to post that 'all is well.'

In my neck of the woods, the water didn't get all that high. It was never in my yard, and the studio was never in danger of flooding or other damage. Best of all, the roads leading to it were without any serious problems.

Studio Milliscent stands high, dry, warm, and ready for you!

Posted by Milliscent at 6:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

The amount of free time given to a slave is something that I have thought a good deal about. As your relationship has evolved, do you find that you permit Sissy more or less free time? Why? Do you find that she provides you deeper submission or better service based upon the amount of free time she is granted?

This is an interesting question and one that I've given considerable amount of thought.

The simple answer is that as our relationship has evolved, I believe I have allowed sissy more free time. The difficulty I always face is balancing my requirements with those of her full time career and the requirements/responsibilities that come with her job. In the beginning, when she was "just" a graduate student, I gave her very little free time. Her schedule was quite full, and in essence, her time was mine to do with as I pleased.

I used an old coach's tip from someone I knew quite well. He once told me if you ever coached a team, you had to "crack the whip" right from the beginning, just so they know who's in charge, and relax things as you move along and get the team where you want them to be. She was given more free time as the relationship evolved. Her time however, really is "All Mine." The free time she enjoys is only because I am allowing it.

It probably sounds harsh or cold to most people, but in a Female Led Relationship and/or Marriage such as ours, it's reality. Now, I totally understand that I don't always control the travel requirements of her job, meeting times, etc. However, to the extent that I can, I do. She is also expected to keep me abreast of any scheduling issues involving travel or "off hours" meeting and to bring them to my attention as soon as she knows. It's worked well, with a few exceptions. One was very recent and she was punished appropriately for failing to run it by me. It involved business travel where she had a choice of when to travel and get a specific project completed. She chose a week when she knew I would also be away. While I believe her intentions were in the right place, she failed to follow the process I had outlined. Before she leaves, there will be a "reminder spanking" to reinforce the earlier punishment.

As to the question of whether or not the amount of free time she has or doesn't have has any direct correlation to deeper submission or better service, I can only say that I pay close attention to her moods, how she goes about her responsibilities, duties, service, how she approaches her submission, etc. I look upon this as my responsibility to her, sort of a "stewardship." I don't want her submission to me to become drudgery. Our relationship would not work if it did. This may sound like blasphemy to some Dommes whose sub's feelings are none of their concern. I think it's different in the context of a spouse, marriage, or committed relationship. I need to be in tune with how she is feeling, particularly if I am to receive the level of submission and servitude that I expect.

All that being said, giving her a "breather" at times (again knowing that I control when, how long, etc.) does seem to have its benefits.

Posted by Milliscent at 6:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Housework then was what you initially offered Sissy, and what he reacted positively toward. At its core, does housework and his other household duties remain the fundamental basis of your relationship?

Your question brings a smile to my face. Housework and sissy's other domestic duties will always hold a special place in my heart because that is what really brought us together. Had she not responded like she did to those responsibilities, I'm quite certain that we wouldn't be where we are today.

Before she moved in, she knew what the expectations would be. I had provided her with lists of things that would have to be done and on what days I expected them to be completed. I purposely made the list of duties somewhat challenging (particularly for a young man I thought!) yet I also left some room to possibly add more responsibilities and tasks depending on how things evolved. She reviewed these prior to her moving in. I was aware of her academic schedule as well as her responsibilities as a grad assistant, so I had a pretty good idea about what her overall workload could be. I didn't give her much free time!

Getting back to your question, while housework and her other duties are a critical part of our relationship, they no longer remain its fundamental basis. There's no doubt they were the basis for the first several months we were together. Her daily routine changed quickly once she got acclimated to her new living arrangements. Soon, she was performing her tasks in the nude. This was followed by the addition of heels and an apron, panties etc. By the first of the year, she had her first maids outfit! However, over time, the basis changed to her giving up control of her "sexual self" to me. Let's face it, sexually; I am in total 100% control over her. She is there for me whenever and however I want. Her sexual relief is also under my control.

Obviously, it has gone beyond the sexual control as well (I lead - she follows!); otherwise our relationship would not have lasted. The "domestic duty" aspect is something I have always enjoyed.

In my postings, I've touched on the subject of having her live as a full-time "wife" several times. I think about it often. For several reasons, it just isn't realistic at this point. Even though it would work financially for us, I want her to continue with her career. It could happen in the future but I have to look out for her interests as well. I take her submission to me seriously and with great responsibility. Professionally, things could fall into place for both of us that would allow her to stay at home but we're not there yet. We'll know when the time is right.

Posted by Milliscent at 6:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Thank you for agreeing to let me interview you. I've greatly enjoyed reading your blog, "All Mine," and I know that my readers will find great interest and value in your words.

I think that the questions I most often hear from submissive men are related to finding a dominant woman. Can you explain how you met your sissy and how the relationship moved from its beginning to one in which femdom became a central focus?

I met sissy when I was a visiting professor at the university where she was studying for her master's degree and a graduate assistant. My stay there began in early summer and went through the following academic year. At the time, I was actually teaching in Europe and had been thinking of coming back to the US.

When I arrived, sissy was between her first and second year of a two-year program and doing some research. Initially, our paths crossed because one of my peers at the university who was overseeing the project asked me to sit in as an adviser from time to time and, time permitting, provide some guidance to the students. It wasn't until a couple of months later when I was meeting with some of the grad assistants on an individual basis that I got to know her better. I found her very bright, polite, respectful to a fault, confident in her abilities, and overall just a nice person. Our conversations were always professional, but fun at the same time.

After our second private meeting, I began to sense a mutual attraction, but dismissed it out of hand for several reasons, not the least of which was our age difference (I'm late 40's, she's in her late 20's). Why would a cute/handsome young man be interested in me? I felt it, but wasn't quite sure.

After our first couple of meetings, she asked if we could meet more often, just to make sure she was staying on the right track with her work. The correct answer would have been that it wasn't necessary since she was doing excellent work. I agreed, and we began to schedule more frequent advisory meetings in my office. The more we met, the more I sensed the attraction. Intuitively, I also began to identify her submissive tendencies.

The project was also drawing to a close and there really wasn't going to be any need for us to meet. She wasn't going to be in any class I was teaching and our opportunities for professional interaction during the academic year would likely be few. It was around that time that she asked if I would like to meet off campus for coffee sometime. I agreed, and we more or less had our first "date." The coffee date was to discuss sissy's academic future, career, etc.... but I really wanted to see if I were reading things right about her. It was immediately clear that we hit it off with one another. To me, there was little, if any awkwardness that one would expect between two people with such an age difference. I wondered however if the lack of awkwardness was because there was no interest in any sexual or emotional relationship? Was sissy at ease with me because he looked upon me as a "mother" figure?

As the conversation went on, I decided to ask some personal questions and asked about his living arrangements during his studies. After listening to him, I decided to test the waters so to speak, offering him free rent at my place, in exchange for being responsible for all of the housework, my errands, schedule, and other things that might come up. I made it clear that it would be all of the housework and that he might not find that suitable, or appropriate, for a young man. I'll never forget the look on her face. I obviously had hit upon something that both fascinated, and surprised her at the same time. While she hesitated a bit, she finally said, "Are you kidding? I would love that!"

Despite the logistical (and other) possible difficulties that would undoubtedly come up over the next year or so, I knew then that I had found someone with high potential as a live-in sub. The university had provided me with a condo in a very nice complex. It was set up with two bedrooms, with the third being used as an office for me. It had two bathrooms, a separate dining room and a very large living room. There was plenty of room. I also liked things neat and clean all of the time. Although I was alone (I was dating a man at the time that I had met at a function the first week I was here and he occasionally stayed over) there was never enough time to get everything I needed done. I could have gotten housekeeping services from the school, but when I arrived I didn't think it would be necessary. In retrospect, I am glad I didn't.

It took a couple of months, but soon sissy was settled in with me. From there, the relationship evolved quickly. With all of her responsibilities, and my ever-increasing demands, sissy's submission was never in doubt. Soon, I was allowing her to be intimate with me on my terms, making it clear that my pleasure, not hers, was of utmost importance. The relationship invigorated me. It had been a long time since I had felt this way.

I didn't want the academic year to come to an end but knew that eventually, I would be returning to my regular position. We began discussing options before I returned to Europe.

Posted by Milliscent at 6:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

This week I've been delighting in 'very naughty teacher' fantasies. I need a bad boy to teach, to discipline, to punish!

Do you want to come be that bad boy for me? I wonder what I will decide you must learn?

Posted by Milliscent at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

For a long time now I've been enjoying the femdom blog All Mine, written by the incomparable Ms. Suzanne. We have been talking for a while now and she agreed to answer some of my questions about her life and relationships, with those answers posted here for all to enjoy and perhaps learn from.

I will begin posting that conversation this coming week, and the posts will come fast and furious. It is a long discussion, and I hope that my readers find it as valuable and exciting as I did.

Posted by Milliscent at 1:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

My Seattle Seahawks have made this a perfect January weekend! It's a long-shot this afternoon, but let us hope that they have a wonderfully strong game.

Posted by Milliscent at 12:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I spent New Years in my Airstream, in Olympia. That capitol city is home to a very intimate theater that hosts truly remarkable productions and I deemed dinner and a show perfect for the holiday.

While enjoying the Airstream I surfed to some Aluminum trailer websites and noticed that my favorite Airstream artist was offering a new print. I couldn't resist, and it arrived here yesterday.

Trailer Trash

Perfect!

Posted by Milliscent at 12:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It's bitter cold, but the sun is out, what a great start to 2011!

I hope that this New Year is the very best ever for you and yours!

Posted by Milliscent at 3:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)