Interesting question... For me I don't think I could ever go back to having her be monagamous....if she did I think I would be like an addict without a fix....of course our lives do not parallel the bdsm part as much as yours does.....but I can understand how it would be difficult to go through life without it...although poly can be different if you cuckold and you are poly then that might satisfy the urge for bdsm but I really doubt that. just a thought.

bdenied,

Thank you for providing me with your perspective on this question. Your relationship is a bit different from mine, so I was looking forward to reading your thoughts on the question.

It would I agree be extremely difficult to accept monogamy again.

M

I bet it would be as hard for him as it may be for You, yet that might be why you ask the question....sometimes guys get weird and start that possesive thing again....i hope this is not the case but if it is i would think he needs to learn to live with it...

Me again, it's been a while.

Generally speaking I know my heart is hard to pin down but at the moment I am not doing anything like polyamory, though we do periodically swing when the opportunity presents itself and we look forward to more play-party type stuff in the future. I do consider that a form of polyamory since we're inviting additional parties into our sex life. So there's that.

But I know I could give that part of it up for the right person -- if they were wonderful enough I could be satisfied with just them. The Lady I'm with now is indeed that great, but it's nice to not have to choose.

On the other hand (I know this because I've tried it), I couldn't become entirely vanilla for anyone. It's not a question of the right person; the right person wouldn't be entirely vanilla, for one, and for another, it's really a crucial part of who I am. It would be like being asked to suddenly shrink by a foot and a half. No matter how much the most wonderful woman in the world might make me wish I could, I just can't. I never could.

So that's my answer, anyway, with the usual caveat that the answer's only mine, and the mileage of others will certainly vary.

Yrs,
J.

Ah, but let's admit it. Monogamy is something we'd practice if circumstances required it...for a day, for a week, for whatever period. We would have it and shrug our shoulders and think, "Well, that will change soon."

But there would be no time in the midst of polyamory when we would just stop being kinky; we might appear to participate in non-kinky activities, but in our hearts we would still be kinky, that is something that would never leave us.

If we were to say to ourselves, "I will stop seeing other people," our fundamental lives would not change. We would remain who we are, we would merely share it with less people. Oh yes, we would feel over the course of time a longing whenever we saw a prospective lover; but we would know, to pursue that lover would take time and effort and negotiation.

If we decided to stop having kinky thoughts, however, we would need to change everything about our fundamental lives. Not merely our living arrangements, but our very thoughts would need constant redirection. And when it occurred to us that we might have a kinky thought, there would be little effort to it; we would need only conjure the kinky thought and it would be there.

We do not define ourselves by what we do with others, but who we are ourselves.

Still, to even think there is any need to make the distinction, to rank the two predilictions, that is to say I like air more than food, or my kitchen more than my bathroom, or my left sleeve more than my right sleeve. Each element is part of the whole--the whole cannot be whole divided.

I have experienced a bdsm poly relationship. I loved it and those within. Unfortunately, I believe I was too young (20) to deal with the emotions that can result. Frankly, at that age..one has yet to truly master a monogamous relationship.. vanilla or otherwise. I have no regrets or complaints. In my case, lovers remain the dearest of friends. In this regard.. I feel that I have gained far more than I lost.

bdenied,

Worry not, it was only a hypothetical question.

M

J,

Thank you for giving me your perspective on this. You are certainly correct, every relationship and every person will be different. I though found it an interesting question, with equally interesting answers.

M

alexis,

I imagine that you hit upon the answer for me as well. I couldn't stop having the kinky thoughts, but I imagine I could stand to be monogamous for awhile anyway.

Maybe not though, one would have to see, I'm not certain that I could in reality pull it off.

M

Amy,

Thank you. I think you make a very important point.

I know that at 20 I would not have been mature enough to handle polyamory, and I am glad that I did not try to do so until later in life.

I did do enjoy other non-monogamous activities at a young age, but poly is a different thing altogether.

M